This was totally stopping me from finding my own Great Perhaps. The fear of missing home, the fear of being alone, the fear of even losing myself in the process of finding my Great Perhaps.
The first feeling seeped in before I left home. It was an undecided and mentally exhausting week for me. I wasn’t ready to leave home for college. All the thoughts I had in my mind was, what if I don’t like my new uni or college, what if I’d miss home, what if I get too drunk on having too much freedom compared from my sheltered life back home. I was anxious. Packing up, I still felt like I didn’t want to leave. Sunday came, and that was it. I had no choice. In my mind, thoughts kept running through my head. I want to grow, and learn to be independent, but I’m afraid, afraid of not knowing what’s in store for me. I kept thinking, if I told my parents about how I feel now, they’d probably think of me as a coward. Backing out when I haven’t even started.
We arrived at the airport. Got my things checked in and went back to say goodbye to my mom and dad. We just sat in the airport benches, for like 20 minutes. I guess the three of us were anxious and not ready about me leaving for school. We just sat there silent, and my mom in order to break the silence, reiterated all her reminders about eating healthy foods, taking care of myself, and all the motherly reminders she could mention. It made me feel better though, no matter how annoying it was to be told again and again. The twenty minutes passed, and my dad decided that I should go inside the waiting lounge and sit and wait for my flight to board. Three of us hugged each other tightly. This was the last hug i’m gonna get from them after five months. I didn’t want to cry. If i’d start they’d probably think i’m too immature. Kissed both of them goodbye and, went inside the doors of the airport. One thing I regret was I didn’t looked back. It was too late since they already left.
Too late. Back then, I always thought that i’d be better alone. Yet, now I realized no man is a fucking island. You’ll need someone, and even though everyday phone calls, and messages keep you less being alone, but it’s not enough. Arriving in Manila, I felt like I was in a sea full of total strangers. I felt really alone.
You’ll have to overcome your fears of eating alone. Alone. It’s really a scary word. As short as it sounds but it’s totally overcoming. My life’s totally different here. I got sick the day after and I totally miss waking up expecting that someone would take care of me but then I realized I’d have to be the one to take care of myself since I left home. No one would cook for me, I’d have to get up and buy myself medicine. There I realized that home isn’t just some location. It was also big sense of feeling. A feeling where you know you belong, a feeling of security, a feeling of warm and endless love.
Although, it was totally my choice to leave home. But finding your own way in life and finding my own Great Perhaps, is a long and dark roller coaster ride. You never know what’s next after you’ve made the turn. You may have the choice to go on with that ride, or let go and let yourself into a deep abyss in constant search for light.